 WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?  Eighty-four, because at that age you don't have to work anymore and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy, age 8.) Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. (Tom, age 5.)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, age 10.)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, age 10.) Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, age 9.)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. (Lynette, age 9.) It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid, I don 't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, age 7.)CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, age 9.) I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. (Harlan, age 8.)ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, age 9.) If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, age 7.)ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, age 8.) It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, age 7.) Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, age 9.)CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, age 8.)CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "The Simpsons" is on television. (Anita, age 6.) Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, age 8.) I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, age 10.)THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, age 8.)SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, age 6.) Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, age 9.) One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, age 9.)HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell he's in love. (John, age 9.) Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, age 8.) It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. (Christine, age 9.)WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY 'I LOVE YOU': The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, age 9.)HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. (Doug, age 7.) It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you..That's why I stopped doing it. (Jean, age 10.)HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, age 7.) Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love. (Roger, age 8.) Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. (Randy, age 8.)The following quotations are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "DEEP THOUGHTS." Compiled by Jack Handey. Received via e-mail from a friend. (Thanks, Mike. Posted here 11-15-99.) I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, let's face it, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? (Age 15.) Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't change, and a great big bag of money. (Age 13.) It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. (Age 8.) Home is where the house is. (Age 6.) For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens when you leave it out. (Age 6.) My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I suppose I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. (Age 15.) I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrmmmm.'..... Unless it was just a lawn mower. (Age 11.) As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple days saved up. (Age 7.) Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. (Age 15.) Once, I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? (Age 15.) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be ..... until the looting started. (Age 15.)The following quotations are actual answers to a 6th grade history test. Received via e-mail from my son. (Thanks, Tim. Posted here 1-10-00.) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasp out "Tee Hee, Brutus." Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in the attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The way back home. |