Question: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
Answer: A tick falls off when you die.
Question: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.
Question: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Answer: One in about 36,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Question: Do you know why the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
Answer: Yes, they had pictures of lawyers on them . . . and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyers' creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Question: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
Question: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Answer: Chelsea. (Oops, that sounds like a political joke. How did that slip in here?)
Statement: Last year was one of the coldest winters ever.
Question: How do you know?
Answer: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked what the lawyer's rates were. "A hundred fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer replied.
"Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man inquired.
"Yes," the lawyer said, "and what's your third question?
Question: You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Answer: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 The way back home.
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