 Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Life is sexually transmitted. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. Lead me not into temptation. (I can find the way myself.) There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere! Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Some day we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself: "Where's the ceiling?" Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day. Always give 100% at work. That's 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday. Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software. I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now! To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question. Or is it? I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She doesn't like to be interrupted. If women can have PMS, why can't men have ESPN? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? Remember, half the people in the world are below average. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? More points to ponder, sent to me via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Posted here 5-22-00. The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. Polar bears are left-handed. [Left pawed.] A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. [I assume on one foot.] If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. A snail can sleep for 3 years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. China has more English speakers than the United States. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. No president of the United States was an only child. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. [Pleasant dreams.] More points to ponder, sent to me via e-mail. Thanks, Tim. Posted here 6-12-00. The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Toilet stolen from police station... Cops have nothing to go on. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands.Remember: First you pillage then you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Strip mining prevents forest fires. I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory! If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already? If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat? Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig. More points to ponder, sent to me via e-mail. Thanks, Bill. These are reportedly the creation of Dennis Miller. Posted here 6-12-00. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What was the best thing before sliced bread?  The way back home. |