Posted here for 3-8-10
From an e-mail dated 2-12-10. Thanks, Will.

One morning three Alabama good-old boys and three yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. The three northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?" asked one of the yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the south.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three yankees sat down, but the three southerners crammed themselves into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment the three southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the southern boys.

When they boarded the train the three northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the southerners left the bathroom and walked quietly over to the yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "Ticket please."

Posted here for 2-22-10
From an e-mail dated 2-12-10. Thanks, Will.

After examining his elderly patient, the doctor asked the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old man," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Posted here for 2-15-10
From an e-mail dated 1-30-10. Thanks, FS.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!"

Posted here for 2-1-10
From an e-mail dated 1-11-10. Thanks, Irene.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor said.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."

Posted here for 1-25-10
From an e-mail dated 12-26-09. Thanks, Will.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again, the camera flashed. Now, he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing uncontrollably when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Posted here for 1-18-10
From an e-mail dated 1-6-09. Thanks, Peter.

In an airport washroom, a handwritten sign was posted over one of those hot-air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"

Posted here for 1-11-10
From an e-mail dated 12-29-09. Thanks, Irene.

On the Subject of Exercise

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

Posted here for 1-4-10
From an e-mail dated 12-10-09. Thanks, Bruce.

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grand kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grand kids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grand kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!