Posted here for 5-12-08
From an e-mail dated 4-21-08. Thanks, Irene.

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees, who had not shown up for work that day, had not phoned in sick. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper: "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly concerned.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

A little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "Me!"

Posted here for 5-5-08
From "The End Is Near," Middle America News, February/March 2008, page 8. Address: We the People Institute, Incorporated, PO Box 17088, Raleigh, North Carolina 27619. Phone: 919-839-1001. Fax: 919-839-2181. E-mail. Website.

Father Duffy, a Catholic priest and Reverend Patrick, a Methodist minister from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a homemade sign into the ground with a large rock. The sign reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourselves Around Before It's Too Late!"

As a car speeds past them, the driver yells out the window, "Leave us alone, you religious freaks!"

From the curve around the bend the two men hear tires screeching, a crashing sound, and then a big splash.

Reverend Patrick turns to the priest and says, "Do you suppose our sign should just read 'Bridge Out'?"

Posted here for 4-28-08
From an e-mail dated 1-27-08. Thanks, Bill.

Posted here for 4-21-08
From an e-mail dated 4-16-08. Thanks, Bill.

Posted here for 4-14-08
From an e-mail dated 4-3-08. Thanks, Will.

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the U.S. Thank you for your help.

Posted here for 4-7-08
From an e-mail dated 3-25-08. Thanks, Michael.

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own #@*$!#& blanket."

Posted here for 3-31-08
From an e-mail dated 3-20-08. Thanks, Michael.

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to have a meal, and all this is under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson and I'm a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page: "Biker Gang Member Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."

Posted here for 3-24-08
From an e-mail dated 2-25-08. Thanks, Will.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that her class learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I just thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells with price as he looks down at his daughter's innocent face. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the son of a bitch."

Posted here for 3-17-08
From an e-mail dated 3-6-08. Thanks, Michael.

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for fifteen minutes. When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!

Posted here for 3-10-08
From an e-mail dated 2-26-08. Thanks, Michael.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Member of the Taliban

10. You refine heroin for a living; but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher; but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous; but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my butt look big?'
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
1. You wipe your read end with your bare hand; but consider bacon unclean.

Posted here for 3-3-08
From an e-mail dated 2-7-08. Thanks, Peter.

'Tis the season.

Posted here for 2-25-08
From an e-mail dated 2-4-08. Thanks, Will.

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the salt truck!"

Posted here for 2-18-08
From an e-mail dated 2-4-08. Thanks, Will.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Posted here for 2-11-08
From an e-mail dated 2-9-08. Thanks, Alan.

The Clinton's version of "I have a dream."

Posted here for 2-4-08
From an e-mail dated 1-21-08. Thanks, Michael.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Posted here for 1-28-08
From an e-mail dated 1-18-08. Thanks, Bill.

Lawyer Story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?

Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly, says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And then the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Posted here for 1-21-08
From an e-mail dated 1-16-08. Thanks, Will.

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men

Posted here for 1-14-08
From an e-mail dated 12-31-07. Thanks, Mike.

Posted here for 1-7-08
From an e-mail dated 10-23-07. Thanks, Bill.

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week."