Posted here for 9-6-10
From an e-mail dated 8-16-10. Thanks, Irene.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Posted here for 8-23-10
From an e-mail dated 8-7-10. Thanks, FES19. (On the Internet.)

After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Posted here for 8-9-10
From an e-mail dated 7-25-10. Thanks, Chuck.

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Posted here for 7-26-10
From an e-mail dated 6-26-10. Thanks, Frank.

A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question.

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

Husband: "Definitely not!"

Wife: "Why not? Don"t you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do."

Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

Wife: "You would? -- (With a hurt look)

Husband: -- (Groans)

Wife: "Would you live in our house?"

Husband: "Sure. It's a great house."

Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"

Husband: "Probably. It is almost new."

Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

Wife: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

Husband: "No. I"m sure she"d want her own."

Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

Husband: "Yes. Those are always good times."

Wife: "Would she use my clubs?"

Husband: "No. She's left-handed."

Wife: -- (Silence)

Husband: "Oh, crap!"

Posted here for 7-12-10
From an e-mail dated 5-15-10. Thanks, Jim.

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Posted here for 6-21-10
From an e-mail dated 5-28-10. Thanks, Peter.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Posted here for 6-7-10
From an e-mail dated 5-29-10. Thanks, Bill.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now.

Posted here for 5-24-10
From an e-mail dated 5-1-10. Thanks, Irene.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol -- dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup -- dead. And the fourth worm in good clean soil -- alive.

The minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

A child's voice from the back of the church was heard exclaiming, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Posted here for 5-10-10
From an e-mail dated 4-2-10. Thanks, Bill.

What is Celibacy? It can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, saying, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Posted here for 4-26-10
From an e-mail dated 4-12-10. Thanks, Frank.

An older man approaches an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me," he says, "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, says, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

The man replies, "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big boobs, she appears out of nowhere."

Posted here for 4-12-10
From an e-mail dated 4-5-10. Thanks, Peter.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

Posted here for 3-29-10
From an e-mail dated 3-20-10. Thanks, Bud.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises an eyebrow, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wond'rin' why you always order three beers?"

"Tis a bit odd, eh ?" the man replies. "Ya see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keepin' up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. The word flies around town. Something terrible has happened. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, just the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. But meself, I've decided to give up drinkin' for Lent!"

Posted here for 3-22-10
From an e-mail dated 2-17-10. Thanks, Michael.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

Posted here for 3-15-10
From an e-mail dated 2-22-10. Thanks, Michael.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. A marvelous dinner: lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Posted here for 3-8-10
From an e-mail dated 2-12-10. Thanks, Will.

One morning three Alabama good-old boys and three yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. The three northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?" asked one of the yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the south.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three yankees sat down, but the three southerners crammed themselves into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment the three southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the southern boys.

When they boarded the train the three northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the southerners left the bathroom and walked quietly over to the yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "Ticket please."

Posted here for 2-22-10
From an e-mail dated 2-12-10. Thanks, Will.

After examining his elderly patient, the doctor asked the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old man," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Posted here for 2-15-10
From an e-mail dated 1-30-10. Thanks, FS.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!"

Posted here for 2-1-10
From an e-mail dated 1-11-10. Thanks, Irene.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor said.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."

Posted here for 1-25-10
From an e-mail dated 12-26-09. Thanks, Will.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again, the camera flashed. Now, he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing uncontrollably when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Posted here for 1-18-10
From an e-mail dated 1-6-09. Thanks, Peter.

In an airport washroom, a handwritten sign was posted over one of those hot-air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"

Posted here for 1-11-10
From an e-mail dated 12-29-09. Thanks, Irene.

On the Subject of Exercise

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

Posted here for 1-4-10
From an e-mail dated 12-10-09. Thanks, Bruce.

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grand kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grand kids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grand kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!