 e-Mailbox ---
e-Mailbox 2 ---
This 'n' That The way back home. Send this page from You Don't Say to a friend.For those using Microsoft Internet Explorer: Select the "Mail" icon at the top of this window, then "Send Page." For those using Netscape: Select "File" at the top of this window, then "Send Page." |
 Posted here for 6-23-03. From an e-mail dated 5-20-03. Thanks, George. My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. Posted here for 6-16-03. From an e-mail dated 6-5-03. Thanks, Dave.  Posted here for 6-9-03. From an e-mail dated 5-19-03. Thanks, Bob.  Posted here for 6-2-03. From an e-mail dated 5-18-03. Thanks, Chet. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Posted here for 5-26-03. From an e-mail dated 3-5-03. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Posted here for 5-19-03. From an e-mail dated 5-12-03. Thanks, Alice. It's the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, enters the fourth grade. The teacher says, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who has his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he says. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demands. Martinez puts his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back remarks, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez speaks up. "George Herbert Walker Bush at dinner with the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with the class almost in hysteria, someone says, "You little snot. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher faints, and as the class gathers around her, someone sighs, "Oh crap, now we're really in BIG trouble!" Martinez announces triumphantly, "Saddam Hussein, April 9th, 2003." Posted here for 5-12-03. From an e-mail dated 2-15-03. Thanks, Dick. In light of recent purported scientific events, true or otherwise, we must now consider the hypothetical question: If you pushed your naked, exact DNA replica off the top of a 40-story building, would it be: A) murder, Posted here for 5-5-03. From an e-mail dated 4-10-03. Thanks, Michael. A Pun My Soul A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de feet. Posted here for 4-28-03. From an e-mail dated 4-20-03. Thanks, Bill.  Posted here for 4-21-03. From an e-mail dated 4-16-03. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl. EXCLUSIVE: Thanks to special cooperation from the State Department and White House, I'm pleased to post here a top-secret CIA photo of Saddam and Uday fleeing Iraq!  Posted here for 4-14-03. From an e-mail received 4-4-03. Thanks, Alice & Jody. Washington, DC, 02/11/03 (AP)(UPI) The Pentagon revealed today that four high-ranking Taliban prisoners suspected of having close ties to Osama bin Laden and his al Qaeda terrorist network were released from custody early this morning. The prisoners were captured during the furious battle at Tora Bora in Afghanistan during December, 2001 and had been held captive for CIA, DIA and FBI intelligence debriefings for nearly thirteen months aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise (CVN-65). The prisoners were provided $50 cash each and a white 1963 Ford Fairlane for their return trip home to Saudi Arabia. Navy photographers aboard the Enterprise captured the following photo as the prisoners departed the ship.  Posted here for 4-7-03. From an e-mail received 3-21-03. Thanks, Michael. A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says "Oh my gosh! That's incredible! What should I pack - beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back: "It doesn't matter... just get out!" Posted here for 3-31-03. From an e-mail received 3-20-03. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl.  In happier times. Posted here for 3-24-03. From an e-mail received 3-20-03. Thanks, Neil.  Brooks Brothers suit: $680. Political career to become Senate Majority Leader: $15 million. Using the wrong hand while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance: Priceless! [I assume the photo was doctored, but . . . maybe not.] Posted here for 3-17-03. From an e-mail received 1-18-03. Thanks, Rob. "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says" Posted here for 3-10-03. From an e-mail received 3-5-03. Thanks, Michael. A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She give all the children in her class the beginning of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. These responses were from first graders, six-year-olds. Their insights may surprise you. Better to be safe than . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . punch a fifth grader. Posted here for 3-3-03. From an e-mail received 1-14-03. Thanks, Tim. Norman and his blonde wife live in Buffalo, NY, the snow capital of the U.S. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...........", then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" Posted here for 2-10-03. From an e-mail received 1-30-03. Thanks, George. It's especially good for those of us getting along in years. It's great for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level. Posted here for 2-3-03. From "The Colorado Farmer and the California Lawyer," Resource Roundup, November 2002, page 8. Address: PO Box 790, Spearfish, South Dakota 57783. Phone: 970-856-6086. E-mail. Website. The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." Posted here for 1-27-03. From an e-mail dated 1-20-03. Thanks, Mike. "Oh, Lord!" I cried out. "We've never had a liberal in the family before." Posted here for 1-20-03. From an e-mail dated 1-8-03. Thanks, Dick. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good. God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either. Posted here for 1-13-03. From Reader's Digest, January 2003, page 121. Address: Reader's Digest Association, Incorporated, Pleasantville, New York 10570. Website. Years pass, and Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. "Oh, I really wish I had a photo of Ahmal too," the woman says. "They're twins," her sister reminds her. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Posted here for 1-6-03. From an e-mail dated 12-19-02. Thanks, Bob. A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."  Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002.The way back home. |
