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 Posted here for 6-28-04. From an e-mail dated 4-24-04. Thanks, Bill.  Posted here for 6-21-04. From an e-mail dated 6-11-04. Thanks, Bill.  Posted here for 6-14-04. From an e-mail dated 3-10-04. Thanks, Jay.  "How to turn on a man" versus "How to turn on a woman". Posted here for 6-7-04. From an e-mail dated 5-29-04. Thanks, Bill. While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity." He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it -- I mean Heaven has been delightful -- but I think I would be better off in Hell." So, Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, we ate lobster and caviar, we danced, and we had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!" Posted here for 5-31-04. From an e-mail dated 5-10-04. Thanks, Jay. A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" Posted here for 5-24-04. From an e-mail dated 2-18-04. Thanks, Jay.  (No title necessary.) Posted here for 5-17-04. From an e-mail dated 1-30-04. Thanks, Dick.  How a dishwasher really works. Posted here for 5-10-04. From an e-mail dated 4-24-04. Thanks, Jay.  For those "extra-long" trips. Posted here for 5-3-04. From an e-mail dated 4-19-04. Thanks, Alice and Jody. A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his GPS (Global Position) and replied: "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30' above a ground elevation of 2346' above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.1 minutes west longitude. "You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Posted here for 4-26-04. From an e-mail dated 4-13-04. Thanks, Tim and Cheryl. (For all you Laurel and Hardy fans.)  Posted here for 4-19-04. From an e-mail dated 2-6-04. Thanks, Dick.  Why it's important to learn English. Posted here for 4-12-04. From an e-mail dated 3-9-04. Thanks, Jay.  Posted here for 4-5-04. From an e-mail dated 3-26-04. Thanks, Frank.  A "foreign leader" speaks out in his support of John Kerry. Posted here for 3-29-04. From an e-mail dated 1-22-04. Thanks, Jay. Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies that will merge. Here are merger predictions from Gary in New York, who knows lots about these matters: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Posted here for 3-22-04. From "Fun Puns," Resource Roundup, January/February 2004, page 9. Address: PO Box 790, Spearfish, South Dakota 57783. Phone: 970-856-6086. E-mail. Website. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Posted here for 3-15-04. From an e-mail dated 3-2-04. Thanks, Fritz. A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between the lions. Posted here for 3-8-04. From an e-mail dated 2-15-04. Thanks, Bill. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven's 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the bassists at the end of the piece. Earlier that evening, the orchestra conductor had found them celebrating a birthday by passing around a bottle. During the performance, as he was about to cue the bassists, he accidentally knocked over his music stand. So he stood in front of the orchestra, his worst fears realized: It was the bottom of the ninth, no score, and the bassists were loaded. Posted here for 3-1-04. From an e-mail dated 9-28-03. Thanks, Michael. The following information comes from a publication called To Your Health! May/June 2003. A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and then asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. The teacher said, "it's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders". Their insight may surprise you (but, then again, it may not!). Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader. Posted here for 2-23-04. From an e-mail dated 11-25-03. Thanks, Dick. (Photographer not known.)  Can anyone tell me if this sign is posted at the White House? Posted here for 2-16-04. From an e-mail dated 12-17-03. Thanks, Jay. (Photographer not known.)  Posted here for 2-9-04. From an e-mail dated 1-10-04. Thanks, Dave. (Photographer not known.)  (In case you can't read the text, it says: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer".) Posted here for 2-2-04. From an e-mail dated 12-16-03. Thanks, Jay. On a toilet in an office building: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office lunchroom: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? In health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR At a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR In a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES On a leaflet: IF YOU CAN'T READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR; THE BELL ISN'T WORKING) Posted here for 1-26-04. From an e-mail dated 12-1-03. Thanks, Jay.  You'll be sorry. (Photo from FunPile.com.) Posted here for 1-19-04. From an e-mail dated 12-23-03. Thanks, Jay. One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too." "But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered. "Bring them as well," replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall." Posted here for 1-12-04. From an e-mail dated 12-29-03. Thanks, Jay. I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me..., and at this time of year we all could use a little...calm! By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all of the things I'd started and hadn't finished...., and before starting work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tia Maria, my Prozac, some valium, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how blippin good I feel.... Posted here for 1-5-04. From an e-mail dated 11-26-03. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl. (Photographer not known.)  The holidays can help you do that.  Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002. Xtra items for First Half of 2003. Second Half of 2003.The way back home. |
