Xtra

XTRA for the First Half of 2005
A veritable hodgepodge of items, mostly humorous, for your reading and/or viewing enjoyment.

Government Run Amok	e-Mailbox1	e-Mailbox 2	It's Been Said	Must Read	Poems
Picture This	Quickies	Say What?	This & That	Thoughts	Xtra

The way back home.

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Posted here for 6-27-05. From an e-mail dated 3-18-05. Thanks, Jay.

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you.... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, He answered my prayer...on the eighth time round the block, there it was!

Posted here for 6-20-05. From an e-mail dated 6-13-05. Thanks, Jay.

An ABC television camera catches Bill and Hillary dozing off during last year's memorial service for Ronald Reagan.
One observer commented: "I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

Posted here for 6-13-05. From an e-mail dated 6-3-05. Thanks, Peter.

Posted here for 6-6-05. From an e-mail dated 5-27-05. Thanks, Jay.

Justice strikes again.

Posted here for 5-30-05. From an e-mail dated 4-7-05. Thanks, Bill.

Happy graduation to all the students.

Posted here for 5-23-05. From an e-mail dated 5-14-05. Thanks, Mike.

The Bronze Rat
Author not known
A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike and life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the counter. "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," the owner said.

The tourist gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the Bay where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could muster.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha!" said the owner. "You have come back for the story."

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Posted here for 5-16-05. From an e-mail dated 5-5-05. Thanks, Jay.

Poem for Women
by Bertha de Bluze

He didn't like the casserole,
He didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard . . . not like
His mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks the way
His mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer;
I was looking for a clue.
I turned around and SMACKED him . . . like
His mother used to do.

Posted here for 5-9-05. From an e-mail dated 12-12-04. Thanks, Dick.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

He continued, "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Posted here for 5-2-05. From an e-mail dated 4-24-05. Thanks, Peter.

A Polish guy goes to the ophthalmologist, who shows him a card with the letters: C Z W X N Q S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it!?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

Posted here for 4-25-05. From an e-mail dated 2-21-05. Thanks, Bill.

Posted here for 4-18-05. From an e-mail dated 1-26-05. Thanks, Jay.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Posted here for 4-11-05. From the Iconoclast website.

Posted here for 4-4-05. From an e-mail dated 3-13-05. Thanks, Jay.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."

Posted here for 3-28-05. From an e-mail dated 3-11-05. (Photographer not known.) Thanks, Jay.

Posted here for 3-21-05. From an e-mail dated 2-21-05. (Photographer not known.) Thanks, Bill.

More faith than common sense.

Posted here for 3-14-05. From an e-mail dated 3-10-05. (Photographer not known.) Thanks, Neil.

Message from Iraq.

Posted here for 3-7-05. From an e-mail dated 3-3-05. Thanks, Jay.

"PMS Blues," by Dolly Pardon.

Posted here for 2-28-05. From an e-mail dated 2-19-05. Thanks, Neil.

Terrorists have kidnapped 12 lawyers and are demanding $10,000,000.00 by 3:00 p.m. today,
or they will start releasing them one at a time.

Posted here for 2-21-05. From an e-mail dated 2-11-05. (Photographer not known.) Thanks, Jim.

Posted here for 2-14-05. From an e-mail dated 2-3-05. Thanks, Dick.

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked.

Posted here for 1-17-05. From an e-mail dated 10-18-04. Thanks, Jay.

Men strike back!
With the left mouse button, click on the vertical bar, keep click on, and move the mouse to the right to reveal the answer.

Question	Answer
How many men does it take to open a beer?	.\| -- None. She should open it before she serves it to you.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?	.\| -- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?	.\| -- It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?	.\| -- When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch?	.\| -- You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?	.\| -- The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Why shouldn't you married Miss Right?	.\| -- Because her first name will be Always.
What's the name of the food scientists have discovered that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.	.\| -- A Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?	.\| -- They want to.
When will women be equal to men?	.\| -- When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.
What happened after the creation, when God created the earth and rested, and then created Woman.	.\| -- Neither God nor Man has rested since.

Posted here for 1-31-05. From an e-mail dated 1-22-05. Thanks, Tim.

Study these birds closely and watch their habits. See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching. Study them carefully. Take your time. You'll be surprised how you'll be able to pick up on the smallest nuance.

Posted here for 1-24-05. From an e-mail dated 1-18-05. Thanks, Tim.

Posted here for 1-17-05. From an e-mail dated 10-18-04. Thanks, Jay.

Dogs versus Women

The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with 20 other dogs.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs enjoy petting in public.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
Another man will seldom steal your dog.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Posted here for 1-10-05. From an e-mail dated 4-22-04. Thanks, Bill.

Posted here for 1-3-05. From an e-mail dated 12-24-04. Thanks, Jay.

Xtra items for 2000.

Xtra items for 2001.

Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002.

Xtra items for First Half of 2003. Second Half of 2003.

Xtra items for First Half of 2004. Second Half of 2004.

The way back home.