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 Posted here for 6-26-06. From an e-mail dated 6-9-06. Thanks, Bill. A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need overpriced tie. I need water!" "OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!" The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it? "I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!" Posted here for 6-19-06. From an e-mail dated 5-5-06. Thanks, Michael. Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish!" Posted here for 6-12-06. From an e-mail dated 1-13-06. Thanks, Jim.  You won't catch this police force sitting down on the job. Posted here for 6-5-06. From an e-mail dated 5-19-06. Thanks, Ronnie. The other sixty seven percent say "no hablo Ingles". Posted here for 5-29-06. From an e-mail dated 5-18-06. Thanks, Ronnie.  A beachhead has been established. Posted here for 5-22-06. From an e-mail dated 1-5-06. Thanks, Jay.   This incident reportedly happened one morning in Buffalo, New York. Neither driver would let the other go first! Posted here for 5-15-06. From an e-mail dated 5-8-06. Thanks, Jay. Posted May 04, 2006 09:05 PM Division of Game Fish and Parks State of Nebraska WARNING Due to the rising frequency of human encounters with mountain lion, the State of Nebraska, Division of Game Fish and Parks is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions while in the State. We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise. We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him in case of an encounter with a lion. Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub droppings and adult lion droppings. Lion cub droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and rabbit fur. Adult lion droppings usually contain bells, and smell like pepper. Enjoy your stay in beautiful Nebraska. Posted here for 5-8-06. From an e-mail dated 4-29-06. Thanks, Bill.  A "touchy-feely" CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist." The Marine shrugged, then replied, "Recoil." Posted here for 5-1-06. From an e-mail dated 2-3-06. Thanks, Jay. Male Procedure: Posted here for 4-24-06. From an e-mail dated 3-27-06. Thanks, Jay. A stressed-out woman was tailgating a male driver on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, and the man stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The woman hit the roof . . . and the horn, and then screamed in frustration that she had missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, there was a tap on her window and she looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. The woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. "I'm very sorry for this mistake," he said. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. Posted here for 4-17-06. From an e-mail dated 4-5-06. Thanks, Michael. The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Shoot Her!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to shoot her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Screaming was heard, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Posted here for 4-10-06. From an e-mail dated 2-21-06. Thanks, Jim. If you're ready for the adventure of a lifetime, try this: Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.Good luck! You'll be laughed at, cursed, thrown in jail, or soon dead. Posted here for 4-3-06. From an e-mail dated 3-27-06. Thanks, Jay.   "Grieving Mom" Cindy Sheehan and Venezuela President Hugo Chevez: two peas in a hate-America pod. The Left loves both . . . as do many of our enemies. ("Kissing" picture from Conservative Culture.) Posted here for 3-27-06. From an e-mail dated 1-30-06. Thanks, Jay.  Posted here for 3-20-06. From an e-mail dated 3-3-06. Thanks, Ronnie. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa there, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that all about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and replies, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." Posted here for 3-13-06. From an e-mail dated 12-20-05. Thanks, Bill. A C-130  was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16  pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock radioed the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom. "What do you think of that," the F-16 pilot asked."Very impressive," the C-130 pilot replied, "but watch this." The C-130 remained on course and droned along for about 15 minutes before the 130 pilot came back on the radio. "What did you think about that?" "What the heck did you do?" the F-16 pilot asked. "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back, poured a cup of coffee, and took a leak." Posted here for 3-6-06. From an e-mail dated 2-27-06. Thanks, Bill. A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal drunk. "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited woman! He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!' "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." Posted here for 2-27-06. From an e-mail dated 2-15-06. Thanks, Jay. A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" Posted here for 2-20-06. From an e-mail dated 2-4-06. Thanks, Jay. A twenty-one year old girl tells her Mom she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit. Test results show the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother shrieks, "Who is the pig who did this to you? I want to know." The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and daughter. "Good morning!" he says in a pleasant tone. "Your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath to her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $l,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, one factory and $l,000,000 will be presented to each. However if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" The father, who has remained silent up to this point, places his hand on a man's shoulder and in a calm voice says, "Then you try again!" Posted here for 2-13-06. From an e-mail dated 2-7-06. Thanks, Jay. The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a QB who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards and it went down a chimney. Another hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I've got to get this guy," the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the game of football. And sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a football hero, and when the coach asks him what he wants, the young man says his only desire is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped." The old lady pauses, then adds, tearfully, "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit." Posted here for 2-6-06. From an e-mail dated 12-12-04. Thanks, Dick. A youngster asked an old rich man how he made his fortune. The old fellow slowly fingered his fine worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." The man smiled, and continued, "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." Posted here for 1-30-06. From an e-mail dated 1-23-06. Thanks, Mike. I'm reluctant to post this picture because some might consider it pornographic. Or inappropriate. Or disgusting. Or in really bad taste! If you are willing to look at it anyway, then here it is. But you've been warned! (Check out who's looking through the window.) Posted here for 1-23-06. From an e-mail dated 1-13-06. Thanks, Jim.  Posted here for 1-16-06. From an e-mail dated 11-6-05. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl.  First case of bird flu hits the U.S. in Florida. Posted here for 1-9-06. From an e-mail dated 12-5-05. Thanks, Jay.  Just the kind of trick Congress would pull.  Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002. Xtra items for First Half of 2003. Second Half of 2003. Xtra items for First Half of 2004. Second Half of 2004. Xtra items for First Half of 2005. Second Half of 2005.The way back home. |
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