Posted here for 6-25-07
From an e-mail dated 4-15-07. Thanks, Bud.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for quite some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9 o'clock or the 11 o'clock?"

Posted here for 6-18-07
From an e-mail dated 9-29-06. Thanks, Bill.

If Looks Could Kill

Posted here for 6-11-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

A woman comes home, screeches her car into the driveway, and runs into the house. She slams the door and shouts at the top of her lung's, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out."

Posted here for 6-4-07
From an e-mail dated 5-26-07. Thanks, Michael.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Posted here for 5-28-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Posted here for 5-21-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Posted here for 5-14-07
From an e-mail dated 5-7-07. Thanks, Bill.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Posted here for 5-7-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Posted here for 4-27-07
From an e-mail dated 4-19-07. Thanks, Bill.

As a result of the Imus fiasco, there will only be 49 contestants in the 2007 Miss Black America Contest. No one wants to wear the sash that says IDAHO!

Posted here for 4-18-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

Posted here for 4-9-07
From an e-mail dated 3-30-07. Thanks, Michael.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Posted here for 4-2-07
From an e-mail dated 12-13-06. Thanks, Tim and Cheryl.

This Year's "It's-Not-My-Job Award"

Posted here for 3-26-07
From an e-mail dated 3-20-07. Thanks, Michael.

The Blonde and the Voice from Above

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, "I said, there are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

Posted here for 3-19-07
From an e-mail dated 3-8-07. Thanks, Michael.

New Terrorist Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Posted here for 3-12-07
From an e-mail dated 1-10-07. Thanks, Jay.

This should help a lot. It's a new seatbelt law.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly-designed seatbelt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below.

Posted here for 3-5-07
From an e-mail dated 2-7-07. Thanks, Ronnie.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale". He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Posted here for 2-26-07
From an e-mail dated 1-17-07. Thanks, Michael.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"

Posted here for 2-19-07
From an e-mail dated 2-11-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

A mother takes her five-year-old son with her to the bank at lunchtime. They get behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they wait patiently, the little boy says quite loudly, "Gee, she's really fat!"

The mother bends down and whispers in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes pass by and the little boy spreads his hands as far apart as possible and announces: "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gives him a whack on his behind and tells him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager goes off and emits a "beep, beep, beep" sound.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

Posted here for 2-12-07
From an e-mail dated 7-17-06. Thanks, Bill.

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's okay. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a tank top and tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter . . . let's look for yours."

Posted here for 2-5-07
Modified from an e-mail dated 1-28-07. Thanks, Michael.

President Bush visits a primary school in one of the most liberal sections of San Francisco. He finds himself in the middle of a class discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher, who is wearing a "Bush Lied, Iraqis died" button, asks if the President would be willing to lead a discussion of the word "tragedy." He agrees, and invites the students to provide an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says George Bush, "I'd have to say that would be an accident."

A little girl then raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drives over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President replies. "That would surely be a great loss, but it wouldn't be a tragedy."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Bush looks from left to right in hopes another student will speak up. "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" he asks.

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a clear and confident voice he says: "If a plane carrying you and all the other Republicans in Washington was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" Bush exclaims. "That's right. And can you tell me exactly why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," little Johnny responds, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

Posted here for 1-29-07
From an e-mail dated 6-9-06. Thanks, Bill.

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Posted here for 1-22-07
From an e-mail dated 1-12-06. Thanks, Brother Charles.



Saddam's kitten.

Posted here for 1-15-07
From an e-mail dated 10-12-06. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl.



Some computer geeks apparently have too much time on their hands.

Posted here for 1-8-07
From an e-mail dated 6-17-06. Thanks, Jay.

"Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence: one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee, and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring and says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

Incredulous, the official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee."