 [Both of these were received via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Posted here for 12-18-00.]   [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Bill. Posted here for 12-11-00.] Ho Ho Ho.., Hello out there all people of the world. This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. You see, after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results. The first result showed: 250,576,428,534,120 Good 250,576,428,523,119 Bad The second result showed: 250,576,428,534,118 Good 250,576,428,523,121 Bad So, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. to help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5 p.m. on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they meant. You know . . . good and bad? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. Some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant. So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times. Love, Santa [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Tim, Alice, and Sherry. Posted here for 12-4-00.]  [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Originator not known. Posted here for 11-27-00.] My, my, isn't the American capitalistic system quick to respond to a public need! Will the publishers make millions, do you suppose? Perhaps here in Palm Beach County alone!  [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Mike. Author not known. Posted here for 11-20-00. See also this animated rendition of "The Palm Beach Pokey" with different words.] You put your stylus in, you pull your stylus out, You put your stylus in, and you punch Buchanan out. You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You put the Gore votes in, you pull the Bush votes out, You put the Gore votes in, and you do another count. You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You bring your lawyers in, you drag the whole thing out, You bring your lawyers in, and you put it all in doubt. You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You let your doctors spin, you let the pundits spout, You let retirees sue, and your people whine and pout. You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, And, that's what it's all about! [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Tim. Posted here for 11-20-00.] What's so hard about finding your choice for candidate on the ballot, following the line that points to the little hole, and then punching out the hole? Some people make everything sound so much more confusing than it really is. We've been using this kind of ballot here in Palm Beach County for years.  [Originator not known. Source. Posted here for 11-13-00.] Bill and Hillary had Al and Tipper over for dinner at the White House. During the meal, Al excused himself for a couple of minutes to use the bathroom. They finished dinner and left. On the way home, Al said to his wife, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?" "How can we tell the American people we're serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?" replied Tipper. "There must be some mistake. I'll call Hillary and ask her about this." When they got home Tipper called Hillary and inquired, "Is it true Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?" Hillary put her hand over the receiver and called to her husband, "Bill, I found out who peed in your Saxophone!" [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Originator not known. Posted here for 11-6-00.] You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with live aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government. However, you may not know that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. Now that clears up a LOT of things. [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Tim. Source unknown. Posted here for 10-30-00.] Subject: Presidential debates. For those who don't have time to watch the presidential debate Wednesday night, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said: Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense? Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis. Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal. Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name? Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico. Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal. Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors. Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system? Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap. Lehrer: Gov. Bush? Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds. Lehrer: It's time for closing statements. Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me. Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans. Lehrer: Good night. [Received by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source unknown. Posted here for 10-23-00.] CLINTON vs TITANIC: THE VIDEOS TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on the Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on the Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a BS artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing). [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Posted here for 10-16-00.] This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then, bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, remove his name from the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER: this chain brings luck. One man's pitbull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Hindu man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but ... DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One poor guy broke the chain and got his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below... Bill Clinton,1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC William Jefferson Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC W. J. Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC William Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC W. Jefferson Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC William J. Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC Slick Willie Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, DC [Source. Posted here for 10-9-00.] Question: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? Answer: Jane Fonda's been to Vietnam! Question: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and God? Answer: God doesn't think he's Bill Clinton. [Source: unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend. Thanks, Betty. Posted here for 10-2-00.] Al Gore decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion. As it gallops along at a steady pace, Al begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the horse. [Source is unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend. Thanks, Marilyn. Posted here for 9-25-00.] In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World." "Oh . . . Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in." "Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, then declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over. [Source is unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend. Thanks, Betty. Posted here for 9-18-00.] Subject: The Heaviest Element Known to Science: Investigators at a major research institution have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having the atomic weight of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of less than four years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. [Source. Posted here for 9-11-00.] Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered. [Source. Posted here for 9-4-00.] There were three high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says "Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish." The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown." Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted. The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires a Congressional appointment". So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his appointment. The third boy says "I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery." Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!" The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna kill me!" [Source. Posted here for 8-28-00.] Media coverage of the Democratic National Convention virtually obliterated news of the tragic fate of the international explorers' expedition trying to penetrate one of the thickest jungles in central Africa. It seems a hostile chieftain's forces captured them and brought them before the throne. The chieftain had attended Oxford as a young man and welcomed the party in English with the less-than-felicitous news that they would not be killed outright; they would be killed only after their last requests were duly honored. The Frenchman asked for one last chance to sing "La Marseillaise." It was granted. He did so. And then he was promptly shot. The German member pleaded for a last chance to sing "Deutschland Über Alles." It was granted. He did so. And then he was promptly shot. The Italian asked if he could sing his favorite aria from Verdi. It was granted. He did so. And then he was promptly shot. The Irishman asked if he might sing all the verses of "Danny Boy." It was granted. He did so. And then he was promptly shot. The Israeli then asked if he might read aloud an adoring editorial about Gore's selection of Joe Lieberman. The chieftain said, yes, he could. Whereupon the American interrupted and said to the chieftain, "Please, sir, shoot me first. There's no way I can take one more adoring editorial about Gore's selection of Joe Lieberman." [Source. Posted here for 8-21-00.] Question: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Answer: Chelsea Clinton. [Source. Posted here for 8-14-00.] The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it. [Source. Posted here for 7-31-00.] Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies. [Source. From John D. Posted here for 7-24-00.] Monica walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and says, "You know, I've liked that dress ever since the first time I spotted it." [Source. From Heather M. Posted here for 7-17-00.] One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world". Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a big grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased. Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It’s true! I am the most beautiful woman in the world!" Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???" [From this website. Submitted by Netta P. Posted here for 7-10-00.] Virginia : Did you sleep with Bill Clinton ? Elizabeth : No, did you ? Virginia: No! Small world isn't it? [From this website. Author unknown. Posted here for 7-3-00.] One day, while being driven around the capitol, Hillary notices a young girl with a wagon full of kittens. On the lookout for a PR event, she stops to talk to the girl. As Hillary admires the kittens, the girl proudly boasts "All my kittens are Democrats!" Hillary thinks this is just the thing to show those nasty Republicans that even little children know the best party. She makes plans with the little girl to meet in a couple days with Bill and the press corps. When they meet, Bill kneels down in front of the girl and picks up a kitten. "Hillary says you have something special to tell me about your kittens" he says. "Yes, sir. All my kittens are Republicans!" Hillary splutters "You told me they were all Democrats!". The girl responds, "Yes ma'am, but that was before they opened their eyes." [From an e-mail. Thanks, Mike. Author unknown. Posted here for 6-26-00.] The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was filled with Secret Service agents, one of whom leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities, while the President shook hands with those near him and got high fives all around. The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch." [From: The Right Angle. Author unknown. Posted here for 6-19-00.] Question: What's another name for Bill Clinton's whores? Answer: The White House Press Corps. [From: The Right Angle. Author unknown. Posted here for 6-12-00.] Question: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would you have? Answer: Two boobs and a great country singer! [From: The Right Angle. Author unknown. Posted here for 6-5-00.] Question: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Answer: The United States of America! [From: The Right Angle. Author unknown. Posted here for 5-29-00.] Question: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? Answer: His face. [From: an e-mail. Thanks, Al. Author unknown. Posted here for 5-22-00.] Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." [From: an e-mail. Thanks, Joann. Author unknown. Posted here for 5-15-00.] A lady tells her priest, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say ‘Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’" "That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I'll put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase. They'll teach them to learn to praise and worship." The next day the woman takes her parrots to the priest's house. The two male talking parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with them and the female parrots both say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other and exclaims, "Put away the beads, Harold, our prayers have been answered!" [From: "The Right Angle." Author unknown. Posted here for 5-8-00.] A member of the Democratic party died and approached the Pearly Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he asked him what all those clocks in the room were for. Peter said there was one clock for each human being living on earth, and they represented the amount of time each person had left to live on earth. The deceased noticed that some clocks ran faster than others, and asked Peter why some clock hands were moving so fast. Peter replied that when someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster thus shortening the life span of that particular liar. The deceased wondered where Bill Clinton's clock was located. Peter said he keeps that one in the back room and uses it as a ceiling fan. [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Author unknown. Posted here for 5-1-00.] An airplane was about to crash, and there were five passengers left on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton, says "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., etc., etc.", so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, says "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die," and he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the President of the United States, soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world", so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the Second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute. The boy scout said "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack. [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Marilyn. Author unknown. Posted here for 4-24-00.] The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Tim. Author unknown. Posted here for 4-17-00.] During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. He was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were discussing the Ten Commandments." [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Author unknown. Posted here for 4-10-00.] Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips." The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have what the minister is having.!" [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Produced by a MAD artist. Posted here for 4-3-00.] Bill's and Hillary's new home (jpg file; 283K). [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Marilyn. Author unknown. Posted here for 3-27-00.] Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find she's pregnant. She’s furious to a degree only Hillary is capable of! Here she is, running for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" There’s nothing but dead silence on the other end of the phone. She screams, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Author unknown. Posted here for 3-20-00.] Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." [As told to me by a friend. Thanks, Allice. Posted here for 3-13-00.] A stranger in town stops at a neighborhood bar for a stein of refreshment. Noticing Bill Clinton's face on the TV screen, he comments under his breath, "That horse's a**!" A nearby patron leaps to his feet and promptly decks the surprised stranger, who then struggles to his feet to regain his bar stool perch. He then sees Hillary's face on the TV and once again mutters, "that horse's a**!" And instantaneously another man in the bar winds up and lands a haymaker on the still-dazed stranger, sending him toppling over backwards onto the floor. As the stranger drags himself back atop his bar stool, he looks around at the faces glaring at him and mumbles apologetically, "So, I guess this must be Clinton country." The biggest man in the place walks over to the now-trembling stranger, stares him in the face, and growls, "No! This is horse country!" [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Author unknown. Posted here for 3-6-00.] One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father." [Received via e-mail. Thanks, Peter. Author unknown. Posted here for 2-28-00.] A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office. [Received via e-mail 2-10-00. Thanks, Marilyn. Author unknown. Posted here for 2-21-00.] Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in their discussion of the word "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, "My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy." "No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a high cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," said the President, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Clinton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," said Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"  The way back home. |