XTRA for 2001
A veritable hodgepodge of items, mostly humorous, for your reading and/or viewing enjoyment.
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Posted here for 12-28-01. From 14,000 Quips & Quotes for Writers & Speakers, by E.C. McKenzie, copyright by Baker Book House Company, Greenwich House, distributed by Crown Publishers, Inc., New York, 1980.

"A family in San Francisco is reliving its Christmas holidays -- the man of the house is showing colored slides of his canceled checks."

"One of the nice things about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with a present."

"The best Christmas gift of all is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up with one another."



Posted here for 12-17-01. Forwarded to my by e-mail. Thanks, Pacman.


Question: Which one can you believe?
Answer: The red guy with his mouth open.

"Several Muppets from the cast of "Sesame Street" surround United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan as Annan taped an appearance for the PBS series Thursday, Dec. 6, 2001, in New York. Annan stepped in when Elmo and his friends argued over who would get to sing the alphabet song. (AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler)"



Posted here for 12-10-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Lonny. Source not known.

The Snake and the Bunny Rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted...

"Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. You're a Democrat!"



Posted here for 12-3-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Lonny. Source not known.

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with "And I thought you said there was nobody available!"



Posted here for 11-26-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Bob.

Love you lots.
Osama



Posted here for 11-19-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with me, this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

My sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, my guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage that I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten neighborhood kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, I will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, I will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

My centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead I will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The hired children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

I toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, I chose to keep our traditional method. I've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, I will ask the visiting children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, I will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.



Posted here for 11-12-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Bill. Source not known.

Special Bulletin
From: Office Security

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been four suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.



Posted here for 11-5-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Bill. Source not known.

Here's a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but it's a good exercise to decide what you would do.

The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there's a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. You're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question, and think carefully before you answer: Which lens and shutter speed would you use?



Posted here for 10-29-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Bill. Source not known.

Hillary gets $8 Million for her forthcoming memoirs. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoirs. Incredibly, this is compensation for two people who have for the past 8 years been unable to recall anything about past events! Go figure!



Posted here for 10-22-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Bill. Source not known.

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any other military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.



Posted here for 10-15-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Jim. Author not known.

Appropriate Response to Peaceniks

Here's a simple ten-step plan of action you should follow if you happen upon a peace rally attended by stupid, naïve, hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1.) Approach dumb, rich, ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation."
2.) Engage in brief, pleasant conversation.
3.) Then ask if military force is appropriate.
4.) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
5.) Wait until he says something like: "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
6.) When he's in mid-sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
7.) When he gets up and appears ready to punch you, point out it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, in his own words, "be awful and we should not cause more violence."
8.) Wait until he agrees and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
9.) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
10.) Repeat steps 7 through 9 until he understands that sometimes it's necessary to punch back.




Posted here for 10-8-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Lonny. Source not known.

Dr. Suess on bin Ladin

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S.! The whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say.

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and the U's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in Uville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville they'd stand,
And their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea - an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy the U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow -
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it - they started to sing!

He stared down at Uville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in Uville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!

He HADN'T stopped Uville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!



Posted here for 10-1-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.



Posted here for 9-24-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Mike. Source not known.

THE GOOD NEWS: When the terrorists arrive in their Islamic heaven, they are greeted by (as promised) an endless stream of virgins.

THE BAD NEWS: All the virgins look like Janet Reno.



Posted here for 9-10-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.

Three men were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "My Carissima, I rubbed her all over with my finest olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "Slowly and smoothly I stroked sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Jewish man said, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. Then we made love, and she screamed for six hours."

"Six hours?" the others inquired. "How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugged, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."



Posted here for 9-3-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.


Is it a bad drawing of Gary Condit or a good description of him?




Posted here for 8-27-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry. Source not known.


I think the police sometimes may go a little overboard.




Posted here for 8-20-01. From an e-mail. Thanks, Todd and Sherry. Source unknown.

During the Clinton Administration, the Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. for Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.



Posted here for 8-13-01. From an e-mail. Thanks, Betty. Source unknown.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."



Posted here for 8-6-01. From an e-mail. Thanks, Marilyn. Source unknown.

Dear Abby,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.
Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.



Posted here for 7-30-01. From an e-mail. Source unknown.

Many folks don't understand how we came to have an oil shortage in the USA. The answer is simple: Nobody bothered to check the oil! We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographic: All the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana and Wyoming. All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.



Posted here for 7-23-01. From an e-mail. Thanks, Tim. Source unknown.

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.



Posted here for 7-16-01. From a letter to the editor by William G. Parrot, Chicago Tribune, 7-7-01.

"Democrats are my health care czars, I shall not want. They leadeth me into the HMO of their choice, they restoreth my dependence upon government. They prepareth a plethora of frivolous litigation against my health care provider; thus greatly pleasing the fated trial lawyers. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of socialized medicine, I shall fear no evil. For Tommy, Teddy and Hillary art with me, feeling my pain. Surely, goodness, mercy and political payback will follow me all the days of their reign in the U.S. Senate."



Posted here for 6-25-01. Quoted from an e-mail. Thanks, Marilyn. Source unknown.

"They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements -- not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine. Until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech -- a resounding sneeze. The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and in unison they said, "God bless you. "The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future -- with or without the court's approval."



Posted here for 6-18-01. Photo forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry.


"And your winner, ladies and gentlemen, is Senator Jim Jeffords!
But just between you and me, folks,
I think he delivered that punch to the Republicans after the bell!"




Posted here for 6-11-01. From an e-mail (thanks, Marilyn), source not known.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S. O. B. told you I was speeding, too.




Posted here for 6-4-01. Quoted from Don't Shoot the Bastards (Yet) -- 101 More Ways to Salvage Freedom, by Claire Wolfe, 1999, pages 195-196. Published by Loompanics Unlimited.

"A cop is staking out a bar at closing time, hoping to bust a drunk. He spots one guy who looks more drunk than all the rest -- staggering around, unable even to find his car, dropping his keys and almost falling over trying to pick them up.

"The guy finally gets in his car, but sits there a good ten minutes as all the other customers drive off. Then he fumbles around, turning on lights, wipers, and finally (as if he just remembered how) the engine. He drives forward onto the grass before remembering how to back out properly. But finally, he manages to pull onto the road to drive away.

At this point, the cop pounces. Lights flashing, he pulls the guy over to the side of the road and administers a breathalyzer test. The test reads a flat 0.00.

"'Damn equipment must be broke!' curses the policeman.

"'I don't think so,' grins the stone-cold-sober 'drunk.' 'It's just that I'm tonight's Designated Decoy.'"



Posted here for 5-24-01. Said during Jay Leno's monologue, on his May 22nd TV program. Source

"Ford says they no longer want to deal with Firestone because it's too risky to deal with defective rubber. Jesse Jackson said, 'Yeah, tell me about it.'"



Posted here for 5-14-01. Received by e-mail. Thanks, Betty.

On the Train (author unknown)

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The fat lady thought: "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

Bill Clinton thought: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

George Bush thought: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".



Posted here for 5-7-01. As published in Middle America News, May 2001, page 14. Address: We the People Institute, Incorporated, PO Box 17088, Raleigh, North Carolina 27619. Phone: 919-839-1001. Fax: 919-839-2181. E-mail. Website.

Political Cartoon by Mike Thompson

Two American generals are discussing the captured U.S. reconnaissance plane. One says to the other: "Remember the good old days when China got their hands on our advanced technology by making campaign contributions?"



Posted here for 4-30-01. Jay Leno, The Tonight Show, April 11, 2001, as reported by Human Events, April 23, 2001, page 1.

Quote of the Week

Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, "An apology is not a sign of weakness." And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn't even a sign you're sorry.



Posted here for 4-16-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Source: not known. Thanks, Marilyn.

PALM BEACHERS

Coca Cola announced today that, starting immediately, all cans of soda destined for Palm Beach County will be clearly stamped on the bottom: OPEN AT OTHER END.

The Florida Department of Transportation has finally come up with a reason for all the intersection accidents in Palm Beach County. No one knows what the arrows mean!

A recount has been ordered of all winning bingo cards over the past five years in Palm Beach County.

It was a simple mistake at the polls in Palm Beach County. After all, the names Gore and Buchanan look almost exactly alike when printed out.

Doctors have discovered the problem with Palm Beach County voters. 79% of them are dyslexic. They thought the word vote was veto.

Do you mean to tell me that most of the people in Florida can pay attention to 15 Bingo cards all at the same time, but can't punch one right hole?

Why do Palm Beach Floridians have "TGIF" written on their shoes? It means: Toes Go In First.

Three Palm Beach Floridians were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home.

Why did the Palm Beach Floridian stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said "Concentrate".

Why can't Palm Beach Floridians dial 911? They can't find an 11 on the phone.

Hear about the Palm Beach Floridian who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What did the Palm Beach Floridian say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a Palm Beach Floridian laugh on Saturday? Tell them a joke on Wednesday.



Posted here for 4-9-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Source: not known.

Your Tax Dollars at Work






Posted here for 4-2-01. Address forwarded to me via e-mail. Thanks, Marilyn.

I Want You for the US Army.





Posted here for 3-26-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Sherry and Tim.
Urgent: Find this girl's father. You can help!

Unfortunately, it has become all to frequent that a man will father a child and then run off.
Many times without paying any child support.
The girl in this picture will face many challenges in life because she has no father in her life.
If you know who her father might be, please contact the police immediately.







Posted here for 3-19-01. Found at the Action America Website.

 "If guns are responsible for the Columbine shootings, then spoons are responsible for Rosie O'Donnell being fat."




Posted here for 3-12-01. Forwarded to me by e-mail. Thanks, Betty.

The World's 20 Thinnest Books:

20. Beauty Secrets, by Janet Reno
19. Home-Built Airplanes, by John Denver
18. How to Get to the Super Bowl, by Dan Marino
17. Things I love about Bill, by Hillary Clinton
16. My Life's Memories, by Ronald Reagan
15. Things I Can't Afford, by Bill Gates
14. Things I Wouldn't Do for Money, by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years, by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit -- A Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivation Speeches
8. Everything Men Know about Women
7. Everything Women Know about Men
6. All the Men I've Loved Before, by Ellen Degeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes, by the EPA
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan to Find the Real Killers, by O.J. Simpson

And the world's number one thinnest book.....
1. My Book of Morals, by Bill Clinton



Posted here for 3-5-01. Forwarded to my by e-mail. Thanks, Tim.





Posted here for 2-26-01. Thanks, Tim, for forwarding the photo to me.

 Exclusive photo of Bill and Hillary leaving the White House after the 2001 Inauguration
. . . with many of their pardoned friends.





Posted here for 2-19-01. Thanks, Sherry.
(Wait for both pictures to load.)




Posted here for 2-12-01. Thanks, Bill and Lillian.




Posted here for 2-5-01. Thanks Beaver Cole, thanks Marilyn.

 "I can not vote for Mr. Ashcroft for Attorney General, because he has a history of bending the laws to fit his own view."

A direct quote from Senator Hillary Clinton.




Posted here for 1-29-01.

 A cancerous lesion was recently removed from Bill Clinton’s back. Isn’t that a coincidence. A cancerous lesion was recently removed from the White House.




Posted here for 1-22-01. Thanks, Sherry. Author unknown.
Nursery Rhyme for Lovers of the Second Amendment

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.




Posted here for 1-15-01.
Election Photo Roundup.
From the Lefsey.com website.




Posted here for 1-8-01. Received via e-mail. Thanks, Sherry.

A Poem of Reconciliation
by a democrat (name unknown)

The election is over,
The results are known.
The will of the court
Has clearly been shown.

Let's forget our differences
And show by our deeds.
That we'll give our government
The backing it needs.

We'll all get together,
Let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant,
You kiss my ass.




Posted here for 1-1-01. Received via e-mail. Thanks, Betty.

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York City has a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary." It consists of two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.








Xtra items for 2000.




The way back home.