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 Posted here for 12-15-03. From an e-mail dated 12-4-03. Thanks, Dick. Subject: Supreme Court ruling The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable Posted here for 12-8-03. From an e-mail dated 11-28-03. Thanks, Jay. A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm soooo sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The Pilot replied, "I told her First Class wasn't going to Melbourne" Posted here for 12-1-03. From an e-mail dated 11-23-03. Thanks, Michael. Here are 16 actual error messages seen on computer screens in Japan. * The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist. Posted here for 11-24-03. From an e-mail dated 9-24-03. Thanks, Dave. An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting". He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?" The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!" Posted here for 11-17-03. From an e-mail dated 11-10-03. Thanks, Fritz. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Posted here for 11-10-03. From an e-mail dated 9-28-03. Thanks, Michael. Parable Number 1: A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Principle: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Parable Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Principle: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Parable Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Principles: 1) Not everyone who drops doo-doo on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo-doo is your friend. And 3) When you're in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut! Parable Number 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying, "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right, so, they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. Management Principle: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. Posted here for 11-03-03. From an e-mail dated 10-24-03. Thanks, Bill. A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend, fishing with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, his very angry wife confronted and barraged him for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. Posted here for 10-27-03. From an e-mail dated 10-13-03. Thanks, Michael. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before? 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?" Posted here for 10-20-03. Posted here for 10-13-03. From an e-mail dated 9-30-03. Thanks Tim and Cheryl. DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow. NEW YORK CORPORATION You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas. Posted here for 10-6-03. From the Internet. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Posted here for 9-29-03. From an e-mail of 9-17-03. Thanks, Michael. On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Black & Silver Raider's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Denver Bronco's jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Raider fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat. Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told about there being bad blood between Broncos and Raider's but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?" Posted here for 9-22-03. From an e-mail of 8-15-03. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl. Useless information: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. Posted here for 9-15-03. From an e-mail of 8-18-03. Thanks, Michael. 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who need enemas? 5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the statement, "He who has a Tates is lost!" 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on. 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 10. I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Posted here for 9-8-03. From an e-mail of 8-11-03. Thanks, Bob. Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. . . Thought you might like to come. . . About 5:00." "Great!" says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" Lars is leaving, but he stops. "Gotta warn you. . . There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars stops and looks at Tom. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Over his shoulder Lars says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us." Posted here for 9-1-03. From an e-mail of 8-27-03. Thanks, Mike. Strom Thurmond was dying. He sent a message to Bill and Hillary Clinton to come to his room at the hospital in Edgefield. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, Strom then held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. Strom grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both Bill and Hillary were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because Strom had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. They also wondered why there were no cameras to capture such a wonderful photo opportunity. Finally, Bill bit his lower lip, arched his eyebrows and asked, "Strom old buddy, why did you ask the two of us to come?" With a twinkle in his eye, Strom mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go too..." Posted here for 8-25-03. From "The Truth Dictionary," Resource Roundup, January/February 2003, page 8. Address: PO Box 790, Spearfish, South Dakota 57783. Phone: 970-856-6086. E-mail. Website. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Posted here for 8-18-03. From "It Ain't Easy Being Blonde," Resource Roundup, January/February 2003, page 8. Address: PO Box 790, Spearfish, South Dakota 57783. Phone: 970-856-6086. E-mail. Website. Posted here for 8-11-03. From an e-mail dated 11-13-02. Thanks, Bob. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'" Posted here for 8-4-03. From an e-mail dated 9-12-02. Thanks, Tim & Cheryl. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says: "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the talking dog. The owner says "Ten bucks." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar." Posted here for 7-28-03. From an e-mail dated 11-13-02. Thanks, Bob. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Posted here for 7-21-03. From Resource Roundup, January/February 2003, page 8. Address: PO Box 790, Spearfish, South Dakota 57783. Phone: 970-856-6086. E-mail. Website. Posted here for 7-14-03. From an e-mail dated 7-2-03. Thanks, Bill. The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. ! I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" Posted here for 7-7-03. From an e-mail dated 11-13-02. Thanks, Bob.  Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002. Xtra items for First Half of 2003.The way back home. |
