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 Posted here for 12-19-05. From an e-mail dated 12-2-05. Thanks, Jim.  They almost looks like Laurel and Hardy . . . but that might be an insult to the real Laurel and Hardy. Posted here for 12-12-05. From an e-mail dated 9-7-05. Thanks, Jay. The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Logically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chips. Someone has stolen tent!" Posted here for 12-5-05. From an e-mail dated 3-12-05. Thanks, Bill.  "I'll wash your head. Then you give me a hug." Posted here for 11-28-05. From a recent e-mail. Thanks, Peter.  How the turkey survived Thanksgiving. Posted here for 11-21-05. From this website. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb-blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little twit on your knee." Posted here for 11-14-05. From an e-mail dated 7-29-05. Thanks, Bill.  Oops! Posted here for 11-7-05. From this website. A women was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2-pound can of coffee and a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The women, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." Posted here for 10-24-05. From an e-mail dated 10-19-05. Thanks, Jim.  Hurricane Survival Check-List Toilet Paper -- check. Bud Light -- check. Keystone Ice -- check. Budweiser -- check. Red Dog -- check. Miscellaneous other bottles of alcohol -- check. Wooden door to float the things you consider most dear -- check. Looks like the list is complete. Posted here for 10-17-05. From an e-mail dated 9-14-05. Thanks, Jay. "I can get away from him with no problem," the Corvette owner thinks, and he tromps it. The shiny red convertible flies over Dames Point Bridge at over 100 mph. Then the speedometer says 110, then 120 mph. Then he thinks, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulls in behind the Corvette, gets out of his car, and walks up to the man. "Sir," he says, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looks at the trooper and says, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," says the Trooper. Posted here for 10-10-05. From an e-mail dated 12-12-04. Thanks, Dick. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." Posted here for 10-3-05. From an e-mail dated 9-19-05. Thanks, Jay. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one." Posted here for 9-26-05. From an e-mail dated 8-20-05. Thanks, Michael. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning, when the barber arrives to open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later, a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber arrives to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and become more successful." Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning, when the barber arrives to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut. Posted here for 9-19-05. From an e-mail dated 6-2-05. Thanks, Jim.  Your tax dollars at work. Posted here for 9-12-05. From an e-mail dated 9-5-05. Thanks, Jay.  "OK honey, we're here. You can come out now." Posted here for 9-5-05. From an e-mail dated 8-4-05. Thanks, Bill. 36 have been accused of spousal abuse,Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's 380 of the 535 members of the United States Congress. Posted here for 8-29-05. From an e-mail dated 8-19-05. Thanks, Michael. Inflatable Doll A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male or female?" the shopkeeper inquires. "Female, please." "Would you like White or Black?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" The question confuses the man. He replies, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explains the shopkeeper, "the Muslim one blows itself up!" Posted here for 8-22-05. From an e-mail dated 6-2-05. Thanks, Jim.  Danger ahead. Posted here for 8-15-05. From an e-mail dated 6-2-05. Thanks, Jim.  Have you noticed the price of gas recently? Posted here for 8-8-05. From an e-mail dated 7-17-05. Thanks, Mike.  No comment needed. Posted here for 8-1-05. From an e-mail dated 5-11-05. Thanks, Jay. STAN'S CONFESSION Stan was dying. His wife, Esther, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Esther, my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Esther," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Esther. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Esther. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" I know, sweetheart," whispered Esther. "Let the poison work." Posted here for 7-25-05. From an e-mail dated 6-2-05. Thanks, Jim.  Wow! Stop the presses! Posted here for 7-18-05. From an e-mail dated 2-21-05. Thanks, Bill.  Better than a birthday cake.  Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002. Xtra items for First Half of 2003. Second Half of 2003. Xtra items for First Half of 2004. Second Half of 2004. Xtra items for First Half of 2005.
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