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 Posted here for 12-25-06. From an e-mail dated 11-19-06. Thanks, Michael. A young man, Harold, received a parrot as a gift. The bird had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of its mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. Harold tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing everything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, Harold was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Harold shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Harold grabbed the bird, tossed him in the freezer, and shut the door. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for several minutes. Fearing he'd hurt the bird, Harold quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said, in a very dignified manner, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Harold was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "And if I am not being too inquisitive, may I ask what the turkey did?" Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful Christmas dinner! Posted here for 12-18-06. From an e-mail dated 5-9-06. Thanks, Tim and Cheryl. A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer, who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. Posted here for 12-11-06. From an e-mail dated 10-30-06. Thanks, Jay. Smile!  Posted here for 11-20-06. From an e-mail dated 11-706. Thanks, Jay. Three strangers strike up a conversation in the small Odessa, Texas airport lounge, while awaiting for their respective flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Four Corners. Another is a Cowboy on his way to a livestock show in San Antonio. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East, on his way to The University of California at Berkley. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet." Posted here for 11-13-06. From an e-mail dated 9-18-06. Thanks, Michael. A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Christian, Jewish or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up." Posted here for 11-6-06. From an e-mail dated 6-9-06. Thanks, Bill. My wife and I had words last night, but I didn't get to use mine. Posted here for 10-30-06. From an e-mail dated 10-23-06. Thanks, Bill. A teacher was about to explain evolution to the six-year-old children in her classroom. She asked a little boy, "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?" Tommy looked out the window and said yes, he did. The teacher said, "Tommy, do you see the grass outside?" Tommy replied yes. The teacher continued, "Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky." Tommy did as directed, returned, and indicated yes, he saw the sky. The teacher then asked, "Did you see God up there?" Tommy said no, he didn't. The teacher smiled and then spoke. "That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist." A little girl raised her hand and said she wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the girl asked Tommy if he saw the tree. Tommy: "Yes." Little girl: "Did you see the grass?" Tommy: "Yessssss!" Little girl: "Did you see the sky?" Tommy: "Yesssssssssss!" Little girl: "Tommy, do you see the teacher?" Tommy: "Yes." Little girl: "Do you see her brain?" Tommy: "Well, no." Little girl: "Then according to what we were taught today, she possibly may not even have one!" Posted here for 10-23-06. From an e-mail dated 10-14-06. Thanks, Jay. Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Feldman loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Feldman apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg. Posted here for 10-16-06. From an e-mail dated 7-10-06. Thanks, Tim and Cheryl. The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Volusia, Putnam, Citrus, Indian River and Orange counties. They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator poop. Young alligator poops are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator poops have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. Posted here for 10-9-06. From an e-mail dated 8-24-06. Thanks, Jay. Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a boat at Fort Peck, Montana fishing and sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months." Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find." Posted here for 10-2-06. From an e-mail dated 8-23-06. Thanks, Michael. A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. As the weeks passed, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" Posted here for 9-25-06. From an e-mail dated 9-11-06. Thanks, Michael. The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, "Well, if there's anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there are not any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future." Posted here for 9-18-06. From an e-mail dated 8-29-06. Thanks, Will. While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Posted here for 9-11-06. From an e-mail dated 8-25-06. Thanks, Bill.  Posted here for 9-4-06. So which one is the real Katie Couric? (Two of these photos were digitally modified by FG.)     Posted here for 8-28-06. From an e-mail dated 7-14-06. Thanks, Bud. The Situation: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round and go home; you're drunk! Posted here for 8-21-06. From an e-mail dated 8-9-06. Thanks, Bill. You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has been covered up by the Air Force and the US government. However, what you may well NOT know is that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Al Gore was born. Coincidence? Posted here for 8-14-06. From an e-mail dated 8-1-06. Thanks, Bill. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story recently has been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these beautiful women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, gas station, donut shop, or motel in the United States. Posted here for 8-7-06. From an e-mail dated 7-25-06. Thanks, Irene. "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN" This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia, PA. You're probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign? Answer: A Funeral Home. (Who said morticians have no sense of humor?) Posted here for 7-31-06. From an e-mail dated 6-30-06. Thanks, Al.  Posted here for 7-24-06. From an e-mail dated 7-7-06. Thanks, Jay. One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on and he calculated that 95% of the people were misbehaving and only 5% were not." God was not pleased, so he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? No..? Okay...just wondering, I didn't get one either. Posted here for 7-17-06. From an e-mail dated 7-13-06. Thanks, Ronnie.   Xtra items for 2000. Xtra items for 2001. Xtra items for First Half of 2002. Second Half of 2002. 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