Posted here for 12-31-07
From an e-mail dated 12-13-07. Thanks, Michael.

(Letter from a "farm kid" stationed at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad; there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Posted here for 12-17-07
From an e-mail dated 8-7-07. Thanks, Ronnie.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of bark deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and slowly walked over to a point near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Summoned up his courage, he climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Posted here for 12-10-07
From an e-mail dated 11-12-07. Thanks, Bill.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Posted here for 12-3-07
From an e-mail dated 11-28-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

Jim and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director was told of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her mentally stable. He went to tell Edna about her release. "Edna," he said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another, you have proven you have a sound mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "Oh, he didn't hang himself. I hoisted him up there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Posted here for 11-26-07
From an e-mail dated 10-21-07. Thanks, Bill.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. Puzzled, he asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are 'Lie-Clocks.' Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. Then, one timepiece caught his attention. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie in her entire life."

"Amazing," said the man. Then pointing to another clock, "And whose clock is that one there?"

St. Peter glanced over at it, then replied, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands moved only twice, telling us Abe told only two lies in his whole lifetime."

"How interesting," the man said. Then, "Tell me, just out of curiosity, where's Hillary Clinton's clock?"

"Oh, that one," said St. Peter with a smile. "Jesus has the Hillary-Clinton clock in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Posted here for 11-19-07
From an e-mail dated 11-13-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Posted here for 11-12-07
From an e-mail dated 11-4-07. Thanks, Bud.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Posted here for 11-5-07
From an e-mail dated 10-22-07. Thanks, Bill.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

Posted here for 10-29-07
From an e-mail dated 10-11-07. Thanks, Mike.

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

The second mother replies, "Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

The second mom says, "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18," Mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also." Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted here for 10-22-07
From an e-mail dated 8-14-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a traffic light. I must admit, I wasn't really paying attention to the signal. Anyway, the guy in front of me got out of his car, and he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy . . ."

And I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

Posted here for 10-15-07
From an e-mail dated 9-24-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which causes her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. The babies are just fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba! He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?" she inquires.

The doctor pauses, then answers: "Denephew."

Posted here for 10-8-07
From an e-mail dated 9-24-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Trudy, was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When Trudy woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway, but it was much smaller than the size of an automobile. She put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. Opening it, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Posted here for 10-1-07
From an e-mail dated 9-15-07. Thanks, Peter.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

Posted here for 9-24-07
From an e-mail dated 8-22-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse just called."

Posted here for 9-17-07
From an e-mail dated 8-16-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked , "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Posted here for 9-10-07
From an e-mail dated 6-25-07. Thanks, Bill.

Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled: "Survivor -- Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay." "I'm a Vegetarian." "NASCAR Sucks." "Go Yankees." "Hillary in 2008." And "Deer Hunting is Murder!"

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive . . . wins!

Posted here for 9-3-07
From an e-mail dated 7-9-07. Thanks, Peter.

After having nine children, a Kentucky couple went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor started the vasectomy procedure, but then asked how it was they had come to their decision. "Why," he said, "after nine children, do you want to do this?

The husband replied, "Well, we both saw in the newspaper that one out of every ten children born in the U.S. is Mexican, and we didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby, because neither of us can speak Spanish!"

Posted here for 8-27-07
From an e-mail dated 7-12-07. Thanks, Peter.

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his monthly check. He marches up to the counter and says, "Hi! You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips, and you may be called upon to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll also be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're kidding me. You've got to be kidding me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah. But you started it!"

Posted here for 8-20-07
From an e-mail dated 5-28-07. Thanks, Bud.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Posted here for 8-13-07
From an e-mail dated 3-8-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

A husband and wife, both seniors, went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors" special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said to the waitress, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Yes!" stated the waitress. That's our policy.

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied.

She took both eggs home.

Posted here for 8-6-07
From an e-mail dated 6-20-07. Thanks, Peter.

A woman wakes up during the night to find her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?'"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have been out of jail today and a free man!"

Posted here for 7-30-07
From an e-mail dated 7-21-07. Thanks, Bill.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one!

Posted here for 7-23-07
From an e-mail dated 7-9-07. Thanks, Peter.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. And should that happen, he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circle your block for one hour, the recommended time frame, for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves on lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

Posted here for 7-16-07
From an e-mail dated 6-20-07. Thanks, Brother Charles.

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"